and you realise that it is a relief to be part of a world that is bigger than you, that will be there when you are gone and doesn't care how you did on the details.
Driving home from school I was listening to some Swedish ballads and felt part of the universe and that my petty fears about my comprehensive exams are really not the center of the universe. I don't have to to the whole thing. I still want to leave something behind - I would like someone to remember me when I am gone, to have pictures of me and point to them and say nice things about the person that was me in their lives. But I don't have to change the world or have a street named after me (well ... hmmm), I can just be part of all of this and in my obituary no one is going to say - look, she didn't finish her ph.d. - what a useless person.
Just now, as I am writing this, I watch the cats on the bed, entangled, cleaning each other and - again - I marvel at their closeness and casual intimacy. They are absolutely together and absolutely themselves. Cats may not be herd or pack animals, but the lone ranger thing is clearly misleading.
My step daughter told me today that doctors are injecting mice and rats with stemcells and watch their hearts regenerate ... that is just so mindboggling - overwhelmingly awesome. But of course we're not doing much of that sort of thing here in the US, coz stem cell research is unethical - I admire people who have the courage of their convictions, but I wish I could sincerely believe that the American public and the politicians who are so against stem cell research really have educated themselves on the topic and that their convictions are anything other than pettiness.
Oh well. On that note it is late and time for a little something -- then off to plan for class tomorrow - I really need to make them do something with the naked roommate. We'll see what we get to.