June 14
So much has happened, but tonight I walked to the park and back and listened to Bowie again and I was less afraid and steadier.
We went to Corpus and the movies and did ziplines and Tony died (May 13 at noon) and I will have a new boss and we are back at work and tried to go to Austin and I will write more tomorrow.
.... which I clearly didn't.
Monday April 12
My earrings arrived. I had nine meetings. Jim went to the doctor and all is well - return visit in three weeks.
A says T is falling and is not stable. She is off work for the duration. Mom got her first vaccination. Jonas has been sick and C does not have a sense of smell or taste - argh.
April 13-18
The rest of the week went quickly - Comet Cupboard on Thursday, A called and said she had fallen in the night over the gate they had put up to keep the dog safe. The Poster session competition was on Friday - weird public votes. Saturday started with Duo call with Linda and Tina. Talked with mom after that, she was being her helpful self, telling me what I should do. Sunday we went organized, took pictures of the wheel chair, got new air filters and I signed our lease.
Monday April 5
sent out field exam and stuff and things and then back to the hospital and then the day there trying to work and then came home at 10 and then worked and now it is one and I am soo tired and trying to listen to inside out as I get ready for bed.
Maybe he gets to come home tomorrow.
April 6-10
I finished Inside Out on Tuesday night when I also slept at the house. Earlier that day I went to UTD and got my new computer that took fully ages to set up it felt like. Still not entirely done.
It took until Wednesday afternoon before Jim got to go home so he did his mediation from the room. I was at home working and went to pick him up when he called. They had tried removing the catheter on Tuesday and there was some movement, but not enough. Overnight Kimber did okay, except for not cleaning up the bed, and in the morning she and Melissa got really confused about the plug for the flushing of the saline drip tube. Melissa then made up for it by offering anything and everything to do good. Blair was the charge nurse who made sure we got things set right, very efficient and professional. Shruti remembered us from the weekend.
We are anxiously awaiting Monday.
Tony is deteriorating faster, A is done with work for now and will be home with him.
Friday night we went to the fish place and Jim drove. Then to the park for a short walk. That was nice. I did send a birthday greeting to D.
Saturday morning I spoke with A a bit and mom and left a message for Inger.
Checked my email from the myHeritage thing and remembered that my grandmother had an alias - The Countess. There are two separate arrest records for her. I can't read what it says.
oh ... ADHD ... duh.
April 11
Rachel cancelled, so bummer. We had breakfast and then Jim went back to bed while I played the hidden object game I got. For a long time. Then Jim called the doctor (Dr. French was on call) to find out what to do about the pee coming out around the catheter and not through it. He suggested we find a syringe (turned out we had one) and try taking it out ourselves. Jim attached the syringe and saline came out and he repeated that three times and got 25 cc out and then he lay on the bed and I pulled the catheter and it burned but went okay and the doc said if you pee enough then it's fine. So, there. Went to Panda for lunch and then another indian grocery store and Lowe's and then another car wash and then Terry Black's and then the grocery store and home and a nap laying very close to each other and then we crashed a little and then we watched John Oliver and then an SVU and I did laundry and had vaccumed and soon it is time for bed.
Monday March 29
Annika called after getting really frustrated.
Tuesday March 30
Could not find Sigmund and tore the bed apart until he came out. Bought a new washing machine for delivery and installation Saturday, got the Yukon home, did the laundry at the wash n go. Jonas will have the first vaccine on Thursday and the third interview with Austin based company on Friday -whoo hooo.
Wednesday March 31 - Sunday April 4
did stuff and things and on Friday morning John said he is quitting. Friday after I had dropped Jim for the surgery Michele said she is quitting. The surgery turned out to be a different kind that is more intrusive and Jim was told he needed to stay overnight. He did and is still there Monday afternoon when I write this. The nurses were great - Natalie and Shay and Anne and Cotina and Leonie. We liked Shay the best, and Anne. Dr. ?-Batz came by both days and was helpful. She manually irrigated (and then suggested the nurses continue if necessary) and offered an anti-spasmodic medication that seems to help. The morphine was weird and did not keep Jim from having pain and he was still stressing about his lawsuit, but it did make him loopy.
Saturday I called the installation company to have them contact me with installation updates only to find out they were going to deliver early. I ran to Lowe's to pick up the hose we had ordered WITH teh washing machine ... only to find they could not find the order and I had to buy another hose and then run home and got there three minutes before they install guys showed up. Did that and some other stuff and then went back to the hospital and whatever happened then.
Talked to mom and Annika and Rachel and Jonas and became more and more exhausted.
Monday March 22
last day at the hospital
Tuesday March 23
did the infusion and it went okay - scary. Jim exhausted.
Wednesday March 24
I worked and did the infusion and when I was almost done Natasha Jones came from the home health people. Moved forward a bit. taped a bit for the poster session competition. Nils says he wants me to do some different things - alumni relations etc. I have to make sure he understands that we are overloaded.
Thursday March 25
Something or other, including a staff meeting where we talked about returning to campus and it was nice to see everyone. Then stuff and things and the admin meeting where things got a bit tense talking about the speaker budget.
Friday March 26
We went to the park for lunch I think, and then to In 'n Out burgers for dinner. Ben called an checked in and Jim was so happy.
Thankfully, Jim is strong and they were good and late Monday night he was finally released and now I am giving IV antibiotics once a day and next Friday he will have another surgery that fixes the first surgery and on April 5 he has his post-surgery visit and we hope this is all over. He is so much better already, sitting at his desk and sorting through the avalanche of papers that have arrived while he was out. I am slowly catching up on the accumulated stuff on my desk and turning myself right side up.
Apart from the worry and details and stuff the whole hospital experience is so weird (as you know from experience). It is a bit like an airport; a liminal space where a lot of what you do is wait and hope that someone is in charge with a plan. Every day you try to understand what is going on and what is important and what is random and what needs attention and what does not matter. Every day there are new people you are dependent on and you just have to hope that they are mostly competent and remember all the details of what is going on with this particular patient. We had a few who were less than, but many good people and a few who were excellent. Among them were two nurses who were proactive about our needs and willing to explain the next step and made sure we asked for the right things.
Whoever was working and whatever else happened it was still all at a few steps remove from regular reality. The isolation of the hospital after the isolation of the freeze after the isolation of the pandemic each added a few more steps, each served to demonstrate the fragility even of the mundane. Oh, and my friend Annika’s partner Tony, whose cancer is now beyond treatment, shared with me the playlist for his memorial service. His range of musical interests are as broad as yours – from the Theme from Rocky to Por Una Cabeza and Rameau’s Les Sauvages (so strange that you had just lent me that). I feel honored that he sent it to me now, and talked about it, but also heartbroken.
Other than that the sun is actually shining and the leaves on the trees hold the promise of life and spring and joy. The cats are pleased we are home, but irritated that they don’t get to chew on the medical supplies.
Saturday March 27
Made sure the dissertation proposal workshop started well and then signed off. Short calls with Annika and mom and went to the post office and had lunch with Lauri at Pandera Bread in Arlington. Small menu and confused staff but very nice to sit outdoors. Now lounging and Jim is talking with Kim.
Sunday, I don't know about Sunday ... Oh yeah, our washing machine broke. Pffft.
Monday March 15 numbers:
Back to the doctor - again ..
March 8-14
Monday March 1, 2021
Monday February 22
Miss you dad. No water. Went back to work, slowly. Talked to Annika and they might really get a dog soon. T and his dad are doing hard work setting boundaries and being clear with each other (well, T is ...). Did go to a laundry place and got some clean clothes. Will take more there later on. Megan called to check in. We had Subway for lunch and lasagna for dinner - Jim ate real food and his body, apart from being sore, seems normalized. How about that.
So exhausted - having been sent home to work and live because that is the only safe place only to have home turn into a threat where people freeze to death and might get flooded and cannot keep clean is really aggravating. But the day was beautiful and sunny and the birds, the birds!
Monday February 15
UTD is closed today and tomorrow. It got COLD - 4 degrees F - -16C or freeze your butt off cold.
February 8
February 1
Trying to remember when it felt real and I realized I could die and the numbers were scary. Right now the numbers are just the numbers, I wear the mask but it is not real. Well, a few days ago, last weekend, it felt real because I got claustrophobic and I understood why after a while ... So, here we are.
January 25
did some stuff - Taco Bell lunch at the park - did some stuff - talked to jonas - beef tips w mashed potato for dinner and watched the Phantom with Billy Zane. 's all. Numbers below are from Sunday - I didn't have the energy to catch up.
Sweden: 547,166 - 11,005 dead
January 26-30
Tuesday went to the park and the store and I made pork chops for dinner. Wednesday I made stew with brisket and it was good and we had it for Thursday too. Spent much of the week working on our international students and getting some clarity on the new website and realized that in 2024 we may be headed for a really really bad time and that made me depressed. Wednesday or so I at least managed to write back to MW. We called Andrew on his birthday and he was sweet and proud and knows how to write and read. I had ordered two sweaters from J.Jill that arrived. One day I ordered some crispbread and grill chips and the day after it arrived. Weird.
Thursday night we figured out Jim was eligible to sign up through Baylor to take his vaccine and so I checked mychart too and it turned out I could make an appointment so Friday noon he went and Saturday at 5:15 I went (there at 5 and done by 5:07 then sat for a while to make sure I was okay). Before that we had lunch with Lauri at Fish City Grill and it was lovely to sit outside in the sunshine but it really was windy and there were too many people at the other tables. Salmon tacos were good, Old Fashioned not so good. Sade was a really nice waitress with lovely red hair.
The shot - Checked at the door to see that was not sick and then temperature checked and then in line for a minute and then got checked in at booth 6 by a nice young woman who appreciated that I had filled my information in online and then the next line that took a minute and then booth 10 with a nice young man who gave me the shot and told me to follow the arrows in the floor to the waiting area. I took a picture and posted to Facebook in support of getting the shot and then left. Three hours later I am a little sore and that is all.
Also checked the mailbox and there is a package probably from mom but more importantly from Homeland Security a notice they will use my old biometrics so I do not have to redo that and they are in the process of processing. It might really really happen. YAY.
January 31
talked to rachel and then annika and then annika again and then mom. I have a much better idea of what to say to L. and what I want (which also helps). Out late, sex, Fish n Fizz, campus for some pictures and then the grocery store for a cabbage stew thingy. Arm a bit more tender, but more raw then tender to the touch.
T is worse - several tumors in the brain, so no radiation. It so fucking sucks and I am not sure what to say or send or do. Will have to think on that.
January 18
Sweden: 523,486 - 10,323 dead
January 19
still working on the international students and the graduating students and the students where the new people have opinions and on and on. First day of class and less stress, but also more loneliness. Gotta make everybody members on teams, gotta get the stats.
We hit 400,000 dead today and Potus 46 and VP mourned them publicly and beautifully. Maybe tomorrow gets to be a new day.
January 20-21
Wednesday was inauguration and I spent most of the day in front of the TV and everybody survived and it was nice and funny and Amanda Gorman was amazing and there was Lady Gaga and JLo and beautiful and colorful outfits and a firefighter who signed and recited the Pledge of Allegiance and the police who ran the mobsters in the wrong direction, Eugene Goodman, accompanied Harris. In the evening a lovely tribute to American and the everyday heroes and the music and art and creativity.
Thursday I did the food pantry and met Saleem and did the admin meeting from my office. Back home for two more meetings and then a Lewis and meatloaf. There are regular press briefings from the White House and Faucci is free to give information as he sees fit.
January 22-24
Went too quickly. Talked to mom a couple of times, including on Grays birthday on the 23. Email from Linda that was kinda stressful. Missed the fish on Friday so we went for Saturday lunch after we had taken five boxes for shredding. With dinner we watched an episode of Annika Bengtzon - crime detective that was kinda silly but it's always fun to see Stockholm. Milton on Sunday and then talked to Annika whose T is not doing well. He is dizzy and has tumors in the brain which means they pull him out of any trials and we don't know if he gets chemo or not and it just royally sucks.
Sweden: 547,166 - 11,005 dead
January 11
Sweden: 489,471 - 9,433 dead
I have nothing else - long day trying to get people readmitted, meeting with students and trying to get everything to hold still.
January 12
Impeachment procedures moving forward. T**** is devolving in front of our eyes, today in Texas near the border where he explained that the wall saved us from the evil mexicans. Last week's riots are turning out to be much worse than we thought, more violent with numerous seriously wounded police. Joint chiefs of staff felt the need to sign a joint statement that Biden won and will be inaugurated next week and that military forces would obey lawful orders. https://news.usni.org/2021/01/12/message-from-joint-chiefs-on-u-s-capitol-riot .
January 13
Had a dream, which is unusual. Pleasantly disturbing, which is even more unusual. Trying to hold on to the moment, the staggering closeness, but like melting snow it is gone. Short lunch and then short dinner and worked until 11 pm to get the fact sheets done. Got them done and mostly caught up on the students coming in and getting registered or not, with holds or not. Aaagh. Listened to my music and got dizzy with being there but here.
January 14
4,000 dead daily - hospitals overrun, and we are used to it somehow. You decide you are not going to die this day and then you move on.
Jim was out and I got lunch from Panda Express. Ate in the park and got a short walk in. Admin meeting when we all pretend the world is normal in our little boxes. Made a chicken dinner that was not as appreciated as I hoped. Ah well.
It is getting clear the riot was organized, that people planned, and that right wing militias were in all four corners. The repubs have fed a monster and it will devour them if they don't take care. I will be much happier after Wednesday. It will still be hard, and there are risks, but they will have to regroup.
There was something I wanted to make sure to write down --- oh, this morning. Jim teased me by holding out a pen or something and when I tried to take it he held back, did it several times and I just shut down. I went back to third grade when the kids in my class stole my jacket with the metal stars on it and held it out like that and after gym when I got back to the changing room they had taken all the studs out and I cried. I think I still wore the jacket after that, but there is so little I remember. I think that is what Louise was apologizing for at McDonalds ten years later. I wonder if that is why I have such a hard time really fighting for something I want, because I am afraid someone will take it from me on purpose and so I get by without, not looking vulnerable. So much of my life forged in that one moment and I didn't even know until this morning.
January 15-17
Friday was work and a lot of it and finally done around six and then we had dinner and watched the first half of Fiddler on the Roof and Saturday we got up and went out and had McDonalds and breakfast in the park and i got a walk and then we tried to go to the Kimbell, but there were too many people there so we got food from Railhead and went home and watched the rest of Fiddler on the Roof and had dinner. It was a really good movie and touching to see what mormor's parents' life might have been like.
Sweden: 523,486 - 10,323 dead
Sunday was Milton and the on-going confusion on whether it was God the father or God the son who punished Adam and Eve. Then working on beads for a while and out for lunch at in-n-out and a part of the book. A lovely walk at the Spring Creek part where we ran into David Channell and then Dennis and Matt. There was sex when we came home and then BBQ for dinner. Tried to get popcorn but the movie theater closed early. We did watch A Promising Young Woman and it was quite good and very powerful. SO far, so good.
January 4, 2021
Got back to work and was confused most of the day. I think I can make myself focus better tomorrow - I hope so. Ben n them had lunch with Michael and Courtney yesterday and she tested positive this morning so we cancelled dinner, much to my regret. We did go by and drop the pies and I got to say hi to Cameron at the door. Tired and scared about politics and the runoff election and Wednesday and the threat of violence and the fucking phone call with clear evidence of sedition and the mutated virus and the crappy vaccination schedule and maybe I will never go to Sweden again and never see my mom again and it exhausts me. Jimmy Kimmel is taping his show from home again ....
January 5
Did finally manage to focus a bit and got the emails down and got some people taken care of. Tomorrow I will focus on the changes to the fact sheets, at least after I have participated in the Covid study. Watched the season finale of the Doctor and regained some faith. When she is ready to sacrifice everything she tells the others to "live great lives!" and that I took to heart. Maybe something to put on my gravestone. Yanno, something for folks to take with them.
I think we are losing the runoff in Georgia, even if the predictions still say blue wins, and I hate to see it happen, for several reasons, including the work Abrams and others have done. Anyway, the fight continues.
People keep dying and the hospitals are full.
January 6
went for my covid test and gave blood for some other tests too. Not sure what all they checked but that is fine. They will let me know if I am positive or have antibodies or have long term damage from something. Went to campus for a bit and left Tim Minchin for MW. On my way home I figured out the meeting with John and Alice was about to start, but they had done theirs earlier. He told me about Lillehammer - might watch that.
Worked and watched the election certification and then went back to work and Jim came in and told me the capitol was overrun with protestors, the president with Cruz and Hawley committed treason, and then I worked for a bit more and then I just couldn't. Watched TV nervously and thought McConnell and Pence acquitted themselves well. Made a necklace and earrings with brown agate and ended the evening with a Lewis, stomach ache and a fever. Jonas called so I got a bit of an update. Someone at work was unprofessionally lippy and is now gone.
January 7
several resignations and some mea culpas but so much too little and so very too late. Questions are being asked about the police response, the lack of national guard units and the cops taking selfies with the mob. Talked to mom for a bit. She is trying to keep track and is so engaged, but a little overwhelmed. I worked some in the middle of all of that, with my stomach still angry and fever coming and going. Bleah. Made the flank steak with bell peppers, onion and heated rice - went down really well.
January 8
some productive work. Pelosi and others are working on impeachment - unless they can get T**** to resign or induce Pence to trigger the 25th amendment. T**** is banned from Twitter - whatever account he uses. He did at one point broadcast a video saying there will be an orderly transition, but apparently he is now regretting that. Thursday over 4,000 people died and Friday over 300,000 people got infected. Talked with Jonas a bit. Work stressful for him and the environment tough. Hope he finds something better.
January 9-10
Saturday we did some errands - like shredding boxes with the stuff we cleared out Friday night - and then we had lunch with Lauri at El Primo. Good food and service again, but several staff with masks only half on. Had coffee at her house and then got home and watched the Christmas Special Dr. Who. She figured out that she is her whoever she was - maybe we can hold on and hold ourself together maybe there is a there there. Hah! Slept badly and moved to the guest room because the bed was crowded and overheated.
Sunday was Milton and some confusion about whether it was God the father or God the son who chastised Adam and Eve in Eden - Milton says God the son .... weird. Jan's son Mats is getting divorced - doesn't sound too bitter about it, and will stay in the house so probably all good.
Bits and bobs and updated teh SSEMWG website and did laundry and somehow it got late late. Still processing the insurrection.
December 28
Slow morning - talked to mom. Went to Chickfila for lunch and took it to the park - I got to walk part of the trail and it made me very happy. I guess it tells my body we are okay and moving and strong and there is no immediate danger to tackle so it lowers stress. When people talk about how they feel about jogging or hiking or riding or whatever it is they do it always out as if the feelings are external commentary, but they are an integral part of the experience. So it's not "doing that makes me happy" but rather "doing that IS happy".
Set up appt for Jim to get tested and had to wait three hours for them to get back with us during which time I did laundry and we watched the beginning of an Inspector Lewis and then we waited for 45 minutes in the parking lot and he got tested and was negative. Made sausage and gravy and mashed potatoes for him and fried rice for me. That works.
December 21-22
Talked to mom for an hour and a half .... then made lunch (hot dog and potato and leek) and went to Trader Joe's and Central Market where they had kolsvart smoked licorice and Peter's Yard crispbread - yum. First episode of Queen's gambit. Tuesday Jim went for lunch out and I talked to mom for an hour and tried to find something to read. OH, and I had a dentist's appointment for cleaning. All is well.
December 14 - 16
Monday lunch in the park. I went to campus a little bit and said goodbye for the winter break. Students were getting pictures for graduation and Kevin was there studying as always. I drove home and stopped to get my inspection done. We hit 300,000 dead in the US and the electors voted for Biden so now he really is president-elect. Even Putin said so and after him Mitch McConnell. The first Americans got vaccinated.
Tuesday a lot was not working because they were migrating servers. I still got some done and we did the second night in a row at teh store room. The hacking of so many companies and government agencies wer reported - scary.
Wednesday we had a brief meeting with the grad team and Alice was there and the world is better. I renewed the car registration. One year anniversary of Tracey's death. Over 3,400 people dead in one day in the US - is this the winning we were supposed to be doing ...
December 7
