Elisabeth Elstob (1683 - 1756)
Catherine Trotter Cockburn (1679–1749)
Anna Seward (1742–1809)
Monday, January 30, 2006
Draft of proposal ... eeek
There is something there - beyond the separate spheres .... saying that the birth of separate spheres confined women to the domestic sphere assumes that women had a wider range available to them before that time.
We know that (married) women were legally invisible, and that they were not supposed to take a public role or have public opinions. There was no title for a woman thinker/writer/polemicist, no assigned space for them. So were they just accepted as harmless abberations or were they able to CREATE a space, out of existing labels, that let their voices be heard.
Was the tightening of the rules a result of industrialisation and the public sphere or was is that these women were too succesful - that they ended up threatening the social fabric because they were too good at spinning their yarns?
We know that (married) women were legally invisible, and that they were not supposed to take a public role or have public opinions. There was no title for a woman thinker/writer/polemicist, no assigned space for them. So were they just accepted as harmless abberations or were they able to CREATE a space, out of existing labels, that let their voices be heard.
Was the tightening of the rules a result of industrialisation and the public sphere or was is that these women were too succesful - that they ended up threatening the social fabric because they were too good at spinning their yarns?
Bibliography or summat
Books I run into and think I need to keep track of:
Gallagher, Catharine. Nobody's Story: The Vanishing Acts of Women Writers in the Marketplace, 1670-1820. Berkeley and Los Angeles: U of California P, 1994
Folger Collective on Early Women Critics. Women Critics 1660-1820: An Anthology.
Bloomington Indiana University Press, 1995.
This webpage has correspondance TO Elizabeth Montagu from Elizabeth Carter:
http://www.faculty.umb.edu/elizabeth_fay/October28.html
Gallagher, Catharine. Nobody's Story: The Vanishing Acts of Women Writers in the Marketplace, 1670-1820. Berkeley and Los Angeles: U of California P, 1994
Folger Collective on Early Women Critics. Women Critics 1660-1820: An Anthology.
Bloomington Indiana University Press, 1995.
This webpage has correspondance TO Elizabeth Montagu from Elizabeth Carter:
http://www.faculty.umb.edu/elizabeth_fay/October28.html
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Methods and theoretical framework
This is where I figure out what to do with Bourdieu and Giddens and Greenblatt et al.
Greenblatt should serve as a base for looking at how these women framed themselves, then perhaps use B to look at how the field was set up - I need to figure out a consistent language to talk about these women and what they did.
Self-fashioning, a term introduced by Stephen Greenblatt (Renaissance Self-Fashioning,1980), is the creation of oneself according to a set of socially acceptable standards. Female selves, constructed as females, did not have attributes such as smart, independent, philosophical, etc. So my suspicion is that women fashioned alternate - public - selves that downplayed the feminine and emphasized other traits. Todd talks about women hanging out signs, Queen Elizabeth described herself as a prince - emphasizing her royal blood over her gender, and Joan of Arc emphasized being a messenger of God.
CONTRIBUTION - FUTURE RESEARCH
- general understanding of the disjoint between the official narrative and what people did, how the official narrative describes a structure that is always negotiated, always manipulated and contested by individual agents. Any description of the structure is going to leave out how that structure was contested and challenged - from within - and so far most history focuses either on describing the structure OR on describing individual challenges, not (which is what I want to do) how the structure lends itself to and enables the challenge.
Furthers interdisciplinarity - using literary theory and close reading to understand history and crossing the divide between history and anthropology (explain how). A historical reading of texts, and a literary understanding of historical individuals (these are non fiction writing women after all, not so often studied by literary scholars.
Future research could/should look at how other groups negotiated the same territory - how did men during this time and place construct selves that increased their legitimacy? How was their authority challenged?
Greenblatt should serve as a base for looking at how these women framed themselves, then perhaps use B to look at how the field was set up - I need to figure out a consistent language to talk about these women and what they did.
Self-fashioning, a term introduced by Stephen Greenblatt (Renaissance Self-Fashioning,1980), is the creation of oneself according to a set of socially acceptable standards. Female selves, constructed as females, did not have attributes such as smart, independent, philosophical, etc. So my suspicion is that women fashioned alternate - public - selves that downplayed the feminine and emphasized other traits. Todd talks about women hanging out signs, Queen Elizabeth described herself as a prince - emphasizing her royal blood over her gender, and Joan of Arc emphasized being a messenger of God.
CONTRIBUTION - FUTURE RESEARCH
- general understanding of the disjoint between the official narrative and what people did, how the official narrative describes a structure that is always negotiated, always manipulated and contested by individual agents. Any description of the structure is going to leave out how that structure was contested and challenged - from within - and so far most history focuses either on describing the structure OR on describing individual challenges, not (which is what I want to do) how the structure lends itself to and enables the challenge.
Furthers interdisciplinarity - using literary theory and close reading to understand history and crossing the divide between history and anthropology (explain how). A historical reading of texts, and a literary understanding of historical individuals (these are non fiction writing women after all, not so often studied by literary scholars.
Future research could/should look at how other groups negotiated the same territory - how did men during this time and place construct selves that increased their legitimacy? How was their authority challenged?
My ideas and questions
This is where I put ideas and things I need to look at or look up.
1. Clearly there is an issue of floating genres going on - women could write novels because they were low brow (compared to classsically inspired epics and poetry) and history came somewhere in between politics and morals. So women could negotiate the contested territory, claim they were providing moral guidance (Looser 16, 17) and not interfering in politics.
Sometimes this was a DIS advantage - as when history was trying to upgrade its status and claimed a professional/expert position - women could not compete on that level.
2. The floating genres issue shows up in other ways too - Looser talks about what KIND Of writing is considered historical writing; antiquarians collecting facts, the search for meaning, narrative history, biography and memoirs etc ...
1. Clearly there is an issue of floating genres going on - women could write novels because they were low brow (compared to classsically inspired epics and poetry) and history came somewhere in between politics and morals. So women could negotiate the contested territory, claim they were providing moral guidance (Looser 16, 17) and not interfering in politics.
Sometimes this was a DIS advantage - as when history was trying to upgrade its status and claimed a professional/expert position - women could not compete on that level.
2. The floating genres issue shows up in other ways too - Looser talks about what KIND Of writing is considered historical writing; antiquarians collecting facts, the search for meaning, narrative history, biography and memoirs etc ...
Names and theories - women & history
This will be the place for me to stick different people's positions.
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
avoidance
Damn ... I guess I was in worse shape than I thought - I managed to let all of December go by without doing anything whatsoever about my proposal. The holidays were really useful as an excuse and helping the other half with his stuff and training as an editor, but whoa .. I really did just disappear.
Oh well, I am now officially back on track. I will go read some stuff right now, and report back tomorrow.
Promise.
Really.
Oh well, I am now officially back on track. I will go read some stuff right now, and report back tomorrow.
Promise.
Really.
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
dissertation journal
They say it's good to have a dissertation journal - so you can keep track of good ideas and keep track of quotes and all that good stuff. I am not sure I am ready for the administrative aspect of a dissertation yet, I can do the thinking and sometimes the writing, just not the mechanical processing. This is what I have to learn.
Now, I think that is partly what the proposal stage is for - to get you deep enough into the material to have something to work WITH when you try to figure out the rest of the process. So I will use this to learn about the proposal and then work on something searchable to do the actual book part thingy (so scary to keep talking about dissertation, it is easier to think about a thingy ...).
So, what I need to do next:
Write a paragraph about my project - scary.
Read some of the books I have brought home with the idea of looking at how the women present themselves.
Reread Greenblatt's Renaissance Self-Fashioning and figure out if I want to use his model or make my own.
Rewrite the paragraph about my project and include a very brief outline of the chapters - eeek.
1. There should be an introduction, of course, with a discussion of what my project is, who I picked and why and what methods I am using.
2. Then a something about the legal status of women in the period, the development of the public sphere and the argument about separate spheres.
3. Then a chapter on how scholars have attempted to look at the interaction between the individual and the structure, or gender roles, point to the contradiction between what women were supposed to do and what a number of them actually did, and the differences between different groups of women - depending on class, geography, religion etc (determine what all those factors are).
4. Then argue for a model that accounts for the individual and structural differences - greenblatt & bourdieu mix. Try not to get too fancy here but this might be a two step process, first seeing what they do - how these women construct themselves a public persona and then going back to bourdieu to determine what semi autonomous fields they are leaning on (ask about currency exchanges - using capital from one field to buy stuff in another) ... this could get awfully complicated.
5. Introduce the women, who they are, why I picked them and what they did. A short bio of each of them as well as a discussion of previous scholarly work done on their contributions.
6-7-8. One chapter each on how they presented themselves - close analysis of texts here, from letters and published works, showing how they wanted to be read and how they engaged in the debate (what KINDS of arguments are they using and who are their implied opponents AND implied readers).
9. Reactions - what did people write about them - supporters and opponents. How were their arguments accepted and were responses directed at their writings or tangential? (Do I need to know more about discourse analysis???) If Macaulay says "we need to by blue cars", do people say "no, we need to buy red cars or green apples" or do they say "she shouldn't tell us what to buy because she married the wrong person" ... this would necessitate an overview of the respondents comments about OTHER people - does Hume comment on Rousseau's skirt maker as well as Macaulay's hair color or does he comment differently?? I.e. If I want to draw conclusions about how women are discussed I need to know how men are discussed - I need a norm.
8. Counter attacks - do I want to look at how the women countered? What kind of arguments THEY used to silence opposition - how do I do that???
9. The bigger picture - not only writers did this, but all women who were wanting things the could not have - and Conclusions - Public Women needed to be thoughtful about presentation - we have seen what strategies they used and how succesful (or unsuccesful) they were. We also see something about the relationship between any individual and the surrounding structure and I believe we would find that ANY individual behavior is really this kind of negotiation between different roles. Sometimes the strategies are aimed at creating a new autonomous field, and sometimes just at converting currency between existing fields, but the behavior works on all levels.
Phew - I guess that is, in a terribly garbled form, what I am going for. Enough for one fit.
Now, I think that is partly what the proposal stage is for - to get you deep enough into the material to have something to work WITH when you try to figure out the rest of the process. So I will use this to learn about the proposal and then work on something searchable to do the actual book part thingy (so scary to keep talking about dissertation, it is easier to think about a thingy ...).
So, what I need to do next:
Write a paragraph about my project - scary.
Read some of the books I have brought home with the idea of looking at how the women present themselves.
Reread Greenblatt's Renaissance Self-Fashioning and figure out if I want to use his model or make my own.
Rewrite the paragraph about my project and include a very brief outline of the chapters - eeek.
1. There should be an introduction, of course, with a discussion of what my project is, who I picked and why and what methods I am using.
2. Then a something about the legal status of women in the period, the development of the public sphere and the argument about separate spheres.
3. Then a chapter on how scholars have attempted to look at the interaction between the individual and the structure, or gender roles, point to the contradiction between what women were supposed to do and what a number of them actually did, and the differences between different groups of women - depending on class, geography, religion etc (determine what all those factors are).
4. Then argue for a model that accounts for the individual and structural differences - greenblatt & bourdieu mix. Try not to get too fancy here but this might be a two step process, first seeing what they do - how these women construct themselves a public persona and then going back to bourdieu to determine what semi autonomous fields they are leaning on (ask about currency exchanges - using capital from one field to buy stuff in another) ... this could get awfully complicated.
5. Introduce the women, who they are, why I picked them and what they did. A short bio of each of them as well as a discussion of previous scholarly work done on their contributions.
6-7-8. One chapter each on how they presented themselves - close analysis of texts here, from letters and published works, showing how they wanted to be read and how they engaged in the debate (what KINDS of arguments are they using and who are their implied opponents AND implied readers).
9. Reactions - what did people write about them - supporters and opponents. How were their arguments accepted and were responses directed at their writings or tangential? (Do I need to know more about discourse analysis???) If Macaulay says "we need to by blue cars", do people say "no, we need to buy red cars or green apples" or do they say "she shouldn't tell us what to buy because she married the wrong person" ... this would necessitate an overview of the respondents comments about OTHER people - does Hume comment on Rousseau's skirt maker as well as Macaulay's hair color or does he comment differently?? I.e. If I want to draw conclusions about how women are discussed I need to know how men are discussed - I need a norm.
8. Counter attacks - do I want to look at how the women countered? What kind of arguments THEY used to silence opposition - how do I do that???
9. The bigger picture - not only writers did this, but all women who were wanting things the could not have - and Conclusions - Public Women needed to be thoughtful about presentation - we have seen what strategies they used and how succesful (or unsuccesful) they were. We also see something about the relationship between any individual and the surrounding structure and I believe we would find that ANY individual behavior is really this kind of negotiation between different roles. Sometimes the strategies are aimed at creating a new autonomous field, and sometimes just at converting currency between existing fields, but the behavior works on all levels.
Phew - I guess that is, in a terribly garbled form, what I am going for. Enough for one fit.
Friday, November 04, 2005
Almost ABD!
Yesterday I passed my qualifying exams - the orals were grueling and scary and I did not do as well as I would have liked to do, but I passed - and I will be extatic as soon as I get over the drop. I hope I never have to do something like that again.
Now I need to - rest, grade 90 papers, grade my rhet students presentations, read up on the stuff I couldn't answer at the exam, start reading for my dissertation proposal and talk to my advisor about what I am doing and who should be on my committee, make sure I catch up on everything to do with the GSA and go see my newest grandchild who was born today.
So far I have - talked to Rachel (she is so awesomely wonderful), played solitaire, started reading three different leasure books, played solitaire ... that's it.
Can I go home now?
Now I need to - rest, grade 90 papers, grade my rhet students presentations, read up on the stuff I couldn't answer at the exam, start reading for my dissertation proposal and talk to my advisor about what I am doing and who should be on my committee, make sure I catch up on everything to do with the GSA and go see my newest grandchild who was born today.
So far I have - talked to Rachel (she is so awesomely wonderful), played solitaire, started reading three different leasure books, played solitaire ... that's it.
Can I go home now?
Friday, October 28, 2005
3 down - 1 to go
So I wrote three papers in 72 hours and am now so numb I can hardly even be terrified by the prospect that I have an oral examination in 6 days. I am not happy when I think about it, but I am more tired than nervous right now. That, I know, will change.
I remember glimpses of what I wrote and I think to myself how stupid it all was - how trivial and uninteresting and badly organised my thoughts.
The important thing, I think, in the next few days, will be to read the texts I said I would review and then to reread my papers and see if there are any obvious gaps and idiocies that I can do something about.
THEN it would be great if I could set up the beginnings of a dissertation proposal. I need to see one first of course and hope to get to that shortly.
Oh well, back to grading.
I remember glimpses of what I wrote and I think to myself how stupid it all was - how trivial and uninteresting and badly organised my thoughts.
The important thing, I think, in the next few days, will be to read the texts I said I would review and then to reread my papers and see if there are any obvious gaps and idiocies that I can do something about.
THEN it would be great if I could set up the beginnings of a dissertation proposal. I need to see one first of course and hope to get to that shortly.
Oh well, back to grading.
Friday, October 21, 2005
Two exams down - one to go
I have done two of my doctoral qualifying exams now - one to go. I still have no idea what I wrote, whether it is all trivial or if I actually said something. I AM glad that I wrote stuff, if nothing else it shows that I read something and remember something about what I read, even if my arguments are halting and inconsistent.
I am learning lots of things and want to put together a how to thing, with the things I wish I had had when I started.
I want to put in things like:
- Thinking about your fields. How to define your fields and how to add subcategories of issues.
- Think about how to put together the reading lists - start reading early, at least the first chapter or introduction, and get the names they refer to and the debates they argue about. If there are any short survey texts with a bibliography, get those early and get the lay of the land and the main texts.
- Taking notes - do a 1-2 page summary of the main points of the argument (what is the thesis, what other writers do they position themselves against, do they say anything particularly clever or stupid). If you have your books organised into subcategories you can add a section on what they say about or how they relate to your subcategory.
As you get near - review your notes, make up questions and pieces of answers. Make up a template for your answers and put each respective reading list at the end of its respective document.
- Make sure you have the texts available. Make sure you have comfort food and drink and candy or whatever else available. Make sure you have a backup computer. Print out a copy of the reading list so you can mark off the texts as you use them.
- When you get the questions, look at both for a while and think about which one you want to answer. Consider what you would say and what books you would use to answer the questions.
When you have decided on the question and the books, unless you know what your argument is going to be, look at your notes for those texts (or underlines if you never made notes). Write down what comes to you, then see if you have a tentative outline.
- Write like a demon. Stop every now and then to check grammar and spelling and to remind yourself where you are. Stop for food and sleep and some other short breaks. You NEED to get up, even if just to stretch.
That is all I can think of right now. We will find out Tuesday and finally on November 3 if it worked. I sure hope so.
I am learning lots of things and want to put together a how to thing, with the things I wish I had had when I started.
I want to put in things like:
- Thinking about your fields. How to define your fields and how to add subcategories of issues.
- Think about how to put together the reading lists - start reading early, at least the first chapter or introduction, and get the names they refer to and the debates they argue about. If there are any short survey texts with a bibliography, get those early and get the lay of the land and the main texts.
- Taking notes - do a 1-2 page summary of the main points of the argument (what is the thesis, what other writers do they position themselves against, do they say anything particularly clever or stupid). If you have your books organised into subcategories you can add a section on what they say about or how they relate to your subcategory.
As you get near - review your notes, make up questions and pieces of answers. Make up a template for your answers and put each respective reading list at the end of its respective document.
- Make sure you have the texts available. Make sure you have comfort food and drink and candy or whatever else available. Make sure you have a backup computer. Print out a copy of the reading list so you can mark off the texts as you use them.
- When you get the questions, look at both for a while and think about which one you want to answer. Consider what you would say and what books you would use to answer the questions.
When you have decided on the question and the books, unless you know what your argument is going to be, look at your notes for those texts (or underlines if you never made notes). Write down what comes to you, then see if you have a tentative outline.
- Write like a demon. Stop every now and then to check grammar and spelling and to remind yourself where you are. Stop for food and sleep and some other short breaks. You NEED to get up, even if just to stretch.
That is all I can think of right now. We will find out Tuesday and finally on November 3 if it worked. I sure hope so.
Saturday, September 24, 2005
Saturday I went a wassailing
well, actually I guess I did not - just looked up the word and it means to "go door-to-door singing Christmas carols and requesting in return wassail or some other form of refreshment. In modern times it is most commonly known through reference in various traditional Christmas carols (e.g., "Here we come a-wassailing / among the leaves so green").
But then I looked up wassail and it is:
1. A salutation or toast given in drinking someone's health or as an expression of good will at a festivity.
2. The drink used in such toasting, commonly ale or wine spiced with roasted apples and sugar.
OR
3. A festivity characterized by much drinking.
so Wassailing should be able to contain the meaning of saluting or toasting ... In short, I want to wassail.
Something clearly needs to be done - waiting for Rita. She hit land at Galveston early this morning and is moving closer to the metroplex area by the hour (or at least, it looks like she is going to pass by parallell to the metroplex area and perhaps only give us some gusts of rain and a little wind.) It is so hard to know whether you should be worried (and get extra food and a radio and batteries and stuff) and hunker down or if you should just focus on the stuff on your list and get on with it. I got some extra food and a radio and gas for the car and the grill and now I am getting on with it ... never be decisive when you can find a way to stay on the fence.
What I should be doing is read - Revising Women ... on fiction in the 18th c and the gender issue and how they intersect - if they do, which I hope since I plan to write about it.
What I will be doing is grade essays, all on campus events. But first of all - mow the yard.
But then I looked up wassail and it is:
1. A salutation or toast given in drinking someone's health or as an expression of good will at a festivity.
2. The drink used in such toasting, commonly ale or wine spiced with roasted apples and sugar.
OR
3. A festivity characterized by much drinking.
so Wassailing should be able to contain the meaning of saluting or toasting ... In short, I want to wassail.
Something clearly needs to be done - waiting for Rita. She hit land at Galveston early this morning and is moving closer to the metroplex area by the hour (or at least, it looks like she is going to pass by parallell to the metroplex area and perhaps only give us some gusts of rain and a little wind.) It is so hard to know whether you should be worried (and get extra food and a radio and batteries and stuff) and hunker down or if you should just focus on the stuff on your list and get on with it. I got some extra food and a radio and gas for the car and the grill and now I am getting on with it ... never be decisive when you can find a way to stay on the fence.
What I should be doing is read - Revising Women ... on fiction in the 18th c and the gender issue and how they intersect - if they do, which I hope since I plan to write about it.
What I will be doing is grade essays, all on campus events. But first of all - mow the yard.
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
and so you get older
and you realise that it is a relief to be part of a world that is bigger than you, that will be there when you are gone and doesn't care how you did on the details.
Driving home from school I was listening to some Swedish ballads and felt part of the universe and that my petty fears about my comprehensive exams are really not the center of the universe. I don't have to to the whole thing. I still want to leave something behind - I would like someone to remember me when I am gone, to have pictures of me and point to them and say nice things about the person that was me in their lives. But I don't have to change the world or have a street named after me (well ... hmmm), I can just be part of all of this and in my obituary no one is going to say - look, she didn't finish her ph.d. - what a useless person.
Just now, as I am writing this, I watch the cats on the bed, entangled, cleaning each other and - again - I marvel at their closeness and casual intimacy. They are absolutely together and absolutely themselves. Cats may not be herd or pack animals, but the lone ranger thing is clearly misleading.
My step daughter told me today that doctors are injecting mice and rats with stemcells and watch their hearts regenerate ... that is just so mindboggling - overwhelmingly awesome. But of course we're not doing much of that sort of thing here in the US, coz stem cell research is unethical - I admire people who have the courage of their convictions, but I wish I could sincerely believe that the American public and the politicians who are so against stem cell research really have educated themselves on the topic and that their convictions are anything other than pettiness.
Oh well. On that note it is late and time for a little something -- then off to plan for class tomorrow - I really need to make them do something with the naked roommate. We'll see what we get to.
Driving home from school I was listening to some Swedish ballads and felt part of the universe and that my petty fears about my comprehensive exams are really not the center of the universe. I don't have to to the whole thing. I still want to leave something behind - I would like someone to remember me when I am gone, to have pictures of me and point to them and say nice things about the person that was me in their lives. But I don't have to change the world or have a street named after me (well ... hmmm), I can just be part of all of this and in my obituary no one is going to say - look, she didn't finish her ph.d. - what a useless person.
Just now, as I am writing this, I watch the cats on the bed, entangled, cleaning each other and - again - I marvel at their closeness and casual intimacy. They are absolutely together and absolutely themselves. Cats may not be herd or pack animals, but the lone ranger thing is clearly misleading.
My step daughter told me today that doctors are injecting mice and rats with stemcells and watch their hearts regenerate ... that is just so mindboggling - overwhelmingly awesome. But of course we're not doing much of that sort of thing here in the US, coz stem cell research is unethical - I admire people who have the courage of their convictions, but I wish I could sincerely believe that the American public and the politicians who are so against stem cell research really have educated themselves on the topic and that their convictions are anything other than pettiness.
Oh well. On that note it is late and time for a little something -- then off to plan for class tomorrow - I really need to make them do something with the naked roommate. We'll see what we get to.
Sunday, September 11, 2005
Spammers will be deleted
So, I am not sure if you are reading - if I want you to read - if I should send this URL to people so we can keep up. And I get these comments, and think someone did read, and cared, and then I realise that it's only people using my space to put advertising for shit they are selling.
If you are selling something, pay for your own space - here, you will be deleted.
If you are selling something, pay for your own space - here, you will be deleted.
Four Years Ago
We were out walking, when a neighbor, obviously in chock, yelled at us -
"Haven't you heard, don't you know, New York, the Trade Center, they flew into it. go home".
I am not sure what he was trying to accomplish, except to share his pain and confusion.
I remember watching a lot of tv in the next few days, trying to understand, trying to figure out what to do, and I remember that I went to school that very day and we were there, in our little class on the aesthetics of Kant, feeling brave and fearful, trying not to be deflected from our plans and goals, but being desperately aware that anything could happen at any moment.
I remembered, suddenly, that I had been in the towers, only three years earlier, with my godson. We stood for a long time in the line to the elevators, changed elevators on the 78th (?) floor and were both amazed at the sights when we finally got up to the windows. Afterwards we had lunch at a TGIF and then we took the train home. It was a nice excursion. I was told later that my godson remembered this day and was very concerned that he had been in the towers and now they were gone. I felt it too, some weird sense that we were closer to the destruction because we had some memory of what the building looked like on the inside, because we had not been let in to the restaurant (I think you had to have a tie, or had to eat a very expensive meal to get a seat - something).
... Last night I fell asleep and dreamt about death. I was walking with someone and I think it was my father who died fifteen years ago. It was dark and hard to see the road and we had to get back to people and he couldn't quite. I woke up and I knew he was with me and somehow had found me across the Atlantic and there was something he still needed to do. Or maybe it felt like someone else was going to die. I knew anyway, that I was walking with death and I woke up understanding how horribly lonely old age might be and how death could become one of your closest companions. One day, at some point, my life will be over, and I don't really want that. I want to be here, do things, make my mark, I like it here and I will not go gently into that dark night.
"Haven't you heard, don't you know, New York, the Trade Center, they flew into it. go home".
I am not sure what he was trying to accomplish, except to share his pain and confusion.
I remember watching a lot of tv in the next few days, trying to understand, trying to figure out what to do, and I remember that I went to school that very day and we were there, in our little class on the aesthetics of Kant, feeling brave and fearful, trying not to be deflected from our plans and goals, but being desperately aware that anything could happen at any moment.
I remembered, suddenly, that I had been in the towers, only three years earlier, with my godson. We stood for a long time in the line to the elevators, changed elevators on the 78th (?) floor and were both amazed at the sights when we finally got up to the windows. Afterwards we had lunch at a TGIF and then we took the train home. It was a nice excursion. I was told later that my godson remembered this day and was very concerned that he had been in the towers and now they were gone. I felt it too, some weird sense that we were closer to the destruction because we had some memory of what the building looked like on the inside, because we had not been let in to the restaurant (I think you had to have a tie, or had to eat a very expensive meal to get a seat - something).
... Last night I fell asleep and dreamt about death. I was walking with someone and I think it was my father who died fifteen years ago. It was dark and hard to see the road and we had to get back to people and he couldn't quite. I woke up and I knew he was with me and somehow had found me across the Atlantic and there was something he still needed to do. Or maybe it felt like someone else was going to die. I knew anyway, that I was walking with death and I woke up understanding how horribly lonely old age might be and how death could become one of your closest companions. One day, at some point, my life will be over, and I don't really want that. I want to be here, do things, make my mark, I like it here and I will not go gently into that dark night.
Saturday, September 10, 2005
oops
I had this long post about white bread and my new laptop and guilt and going to the hungersite - but my computer lost it ... oh well, I guess I will have enough guilt about my life being so privileged without that particular rant.
The hungersite is the thing to remember - click on the button at the hungersite.
The hungersite is the thing to remember - click on the button at the hungersite.
Friday, September 09, 2005
Eye of the storm
Just so I remember what it was called - the blog by two Sun Herald reporters who cannot write enough. Technology sometimes makes available things that are too hard to bear, and I get caught in this obsessive idea that if they lived through it, I have to read it, and feel the pain and not stop reading until I have read it all because they could not turn off their computer and make it stop. Probably not a healthy reaction, but I think it is one of the reasons I am in graduate school and one of the things that motivate me to move forward so I guess I don't want to be cured quite yet.
Would I leave my home if I couldn't take my cats. No. Simple as that. I would not, could not, abandon them and live with myself.
Do I get frustrated when I read about the people who are still staying. Yes. Maybe they have cats. Maybe they have no other place to go. Maybe they have no selves if they don't have their home.
Would I leave my home if I couldn't take my cats. No. Simple as that. I would not, could not, abandon them and live with myself.
Do I get frustrated when I read about the people who are still staying. Yes. Maybe they have cats. Maybe they have no other place to go. Maybe they have no selves if they don't have their home.
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